Women just can’t compete with football


One glorious day—long after inventing heaven and earth and a while after He said, “let there be light,” and saw that it was good, God created football—gladdening men across the world.

And although men are thanking God for one of the greatest games on Earth, a lot of women are having a hard time dealing with the lack of attention. Recently, one of my good friends made the comment that God couldn’t have considered women when he made football and if he did, he was probably mad at them.

I laughed at the statement. How any breathing creature could not like football is beyond me, but maybe that’s because I’m a guy.With the season in full swing and the playoffs right around the corner, women need to realize that football will occupy the majority of our attention.

Yesterday, my mom called to tell me about some new Tyler Perry movie called “For Black Girls with Coloring Books”—or something like that. I really wasn’t paying attention. Michael Vick had just escaped five tackles and still threw a touchdown so all I caught was “Thandie Newton” and “Kerry Washington.”

I love my mother, but she knows better. As a man, Sundays are sacred for more reasons than one. For men, the perfect day consists of sitting in our favorite chair, eating our favorite snack with one hand while scratching with the other and cheering on our favorite team. 

During football season, the only women we’re interested in are cheerleaders, Rachel Nichols and Sage Steele.  Unless genuinely interested in the game, ladies, this is not the time for conversation.

There is no such thing as “quality time” during a football game. There’s a halftime and an overtime, but nowhere in the football rulebook is there a mention of quality time—nowhere. Trying to have a conversation with a man during a football game is like talking to a mute; you’re probably not going to have much success.

When the game is on, men will tell women anything they want to hear, even though we know that you know we’re lying…

Woman: I know you’re watching the game, but I need to talk to you.

Man: Sure, what’s on your mind? (God please make her disappear).

Woman: Are you even listening to me?

Man: Yes, you have my undivided attention. (I’m lying. I have no clue what you’re talking about).

Woman: You’re not listening to me. You care more about Brett Favre than you do about me.

Man: That’s not true, you’re overreacting sweetheart. (Why are you being so selfish? Can’t you see Brett just got hurt?)

Unfortunately, conversations like this are happening in every house in America.You never hear of men bothering women while they’re watching “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” or the “Bad Girls Club.” That would be incredibly selfish of us. No, instead we let you enjoy your show while you “Ooh girl” and “no she didn’t” on the telephone with your girlfriend. Aren’t we considerate? 

Truthfully, women shouldn’t attempt to compete with football; it’s virtually impossible. Nothing you have to say can be more exciting than a one-handed touchdown reception by Reggie Wayne or a game-winning field goal by David Akers.

Nia Long could come into my room wearing see-through lingerie with lace trim and no ash on her elbows and it still wouldn’t faze me. I would give her a chest bump and politely ask her to move. That’s just how it is.

Even after the game, we’re still glued to the television because Sports Center is coming on. Around the world, in hundreds of different languages, women pray daily that ESPN gets canceled. It’s almost as if men have an internal clock letting us know when Sports Center comes on. Scott Van Pelt and Stuart Scott are more than just sports analysts to us—they’re family. They’re there when we wake up at 6 a.m., there when we get home at 6 p.m. and there when we’re getting ready for bed at 11 p.m. 

Now some women will say, “Why do  you need to see the highlights on Sports Center if you just watched it in the game?”—easy. After the military (at least in our eyes), ESPN has the most advanced technology in the world. They put the play in slow motion, reverse the angles, rank the best ones from 1-10, add in color commentary and even show you all the plays that you may have missed throughout the day.

In no way shape or form am I saying that ESPN or football is strictly a “male” thing. I know plenty of women who are diehard football fans and probably know more about the sport than I do. In fact, men often find those women attractive because it’s an interest that we have in common.

So ladies, if football isn’t your thing, you might want to go ahead and pick up a couple of good books. Don’t worry football season is over in February, just in time for Valentines Day.