Aquarius 1/20-2/18It’s time to slow down your life. If you change females or males that you date like underwear, then maybe you need to calm down. Your mother, father, auntie, grandmother or alien life form raised you better than that.

Pisces 2/19-3/20 Your dreams are giving you messages. If you are waking up sweating, your dream is not normal. Stop dreaming about your professor. He or she is 50. On the other hand, ask your professor on a date. It might work.

Aries 3/21-4/19You may get some flattering attention today. Use charm to your advantage, but if you are getting all of this attention from your porn-like pictures on Facebook, just remove your Facebook account.

Taurus 4/20-5/20You are getting caught up in a routine that you may never get bored with. The routine may be that your best friend is dating the same person you’re involved with. The best advice is to stalk your best friend. Hide under cars, trees and people. Do whatever you can to find out the truth.

Gemini 5/21-6/21You can’t solve everyone’s problems. If you think one of your relatives is on drugs and they don’t want to admit it, it’s just a matter of time until it comes out. Remember the Marion Jones steroid case.

Cancer 6/22-7/22You are feeling very indecisive today. Since the random crimes on campus, you don’t know what to expect. The United States is getting so violent; we now have bulletproof backpacks. I guess if a person is being shot at, their books will be safe, but not them. Next week there will be bulletproof outfits, so don’t worry.

Leo 7/23- 8/22Get involved in important social issues as deeply as you can this weekend. Argue that Lil Wayne get set free from jail. If you don’t, Rapper Baby won’t be the only person he’ll be kissing.

Virgo 8/23-9/22 You are very curious today. You just don’t understand why your friend bailed their boyfriend out of jail, but can’t pay their rent. For that stupidity, they both need to be thrown in jail.

Libra 9/23-10/22Why are your friends eating your food all the time? Next time, tell your greasy, drooling friends to go and purchase their own artery-clogging value meal.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21A slight change in your day will affect your social life more than you realize. You just realized that R Kelly’s trial has been changed to another date. You may need to call your little sister or niece. When will this child molester be put in jail?

Sagittarius 11/20-12-21Your mind is distracted from day-to-day tasks today. It seems as if you can’t remove those flashbacks of your face shoved against the cement from a car that almost hit you on campus while you were crossing the street. The question that comes to your mind is “Why do people drive like Tallahassee is a big city?”

Capricorn 12/22-1/19 Your friends may be considered cheap today. The next time your supposedly broke friend asks you for money, ask her or him, “If you are so broke, how do you go clubbing every weekend?”

Compiled by Latasha Edwards.