The worst of FAMU’s best-kept secrets

When I first arrived in Tallahassee, I missed all the wonderful, informative orientation tours on the FAMU campus.

While I’m sure the guides provided wonderful insights about the Set on a Friday afternoon and what a splendid resource Coleman Library is, undoubtedly a few vital facts were glossed over.

So consider this a supplement to everything you’ve already heard.

The first night you are roaming around campus, you will notice that wild cats are roaming the campus with you, often congregating near Tucker Hall.

A marauding pack of these beasts attacked an unsuspecting freshman years ago. Rumor has it, that in a panic, the FAMU Health Center mistakenly amputated the student’s arm, and gave him free condoms.

So, don’t pet these cats, and remember that, if nothing else, the Health Center is good for free condoms.

During the first week and possibly beyond, you will have to navigate through the despair and anguish caused by the financial aid office.

And you’ll complain, which will stimulate a lot of bonding with your fellow students.

Make copies of everything, and if the people at financial aid treat you with kindness and efficiency, well… you should consider yourself marked for greatness.

Although, it could be some sort of trick thing… like the people behind the counter are smiling and courteous, but they still know they’re going to lose your financial aid information anyway.

That’s a tough call. I don’t know.

You will at some point run into a man in a ten gallon cowboy hat and sunglasses selling Capri Suns and assorted snacks out of a cooler.

His name is Soul Train. He used to be a bodyguard for the Queen of England, before fate brought him to FAMU.

You should ask him about his stint with the Queen and buy a snack or two.

Soul Train really likes young women, and might propose to you if he takes a fancy to you. How you respond is your business, but at least be civil if you turn him down.

For those seeking entertainment outlets off campus, the following rule applies: if you’re from a large city, you will find no decent clubs in Tallahassee, no culture to speak of, and after a while you will not hesitate to tell everyone that there is nothing to do in Tallahassee.

Before mentioning this, you will, of course, loudly state where you are from.

Students from smaller cities will find a lot to do in Tallahassee, but will deny it if asked.

Finally, there is a new president at FAMU. He wishes to be addressed as: Dr. Fred Gainous, Fred Gainous PhD., or President Fred Gainous. “Freddy G” will not suffice.


Hope this short essay slightly increased your understanding of this university.

Welcome to college.

Daniel Carson, 30, is an alumnus from Indianapolis.