Fashion mishaps highlight Oscars

If Gwyneth Paltrow’s goal was to be talked about when she got dressed for the Oscars, she scored. Big-time.

People are still chatting it up about her evening gown.

Consensus is she’s at the top of the What-was-she-thinking list.

It wasn’t only that her dress bodice was ridiculously sheer, it was ugly. Forgive the brutal truth here, Alexander McQueen.

A close look reveals it appears to be two pieces. A big ball skirt worn with a sheer, slightly gathered, lace-up tank top.

My friend Stan called and said his granny used to wear an old bathrobe that looked like that dress, “but it wasn’t that sheer.”

Gwyneth must have worn all the makeup others didn’t that evening. Mistake, Gwynie _ even your biggest fans say so. The year she wore a pink Ralph Lauren dress, her dad bought her the diamond necklace that she had borrowed.

We can only hope he bought her a bra this time.

Most viewers agreed that Halle Berry wore the showstopper of the night.

And don’t you know Elie Saab is a happy designer these days

Halle’s dress was from his signature haute couture collection. The burgundy tulle top was embroidered in silk thread with flowers covering just the right parts.

Cameron Diaz wore a floral dress, but sadly she missed her hair appointment. Surely that’s the explanation. As cute as she is, she’s just never caught on to the awards night look.

But then she did better than Janet Jackson, who wore a crocheted bra and low-riding jeans. Mercy.

Jennifer Connelly is so stunning, so why on earth would she choose a non-color like taupe and wear a scarf around her neck the color of sand? She’s a stunner in almost any other color.

Maybe we’re never satisfied, but there was Faith Hill in way too many colors. She must have thought her dress should have an Easter egg color theme.

Kate Winslet was one person who seemed to pull it together. Her hair was combed, her red dress fit beautifully, with no danger of fall-out, and she didn’t find it necessary to wear diamonds the size of headlights.

Paul McCartney’s sweetie is so pretty, but she strolled down the burgundy carpet wearing a two-piece, bare midriff, black lace number. And she wore something in her hair that resembled a Kleenex flower.

Another What-was-she-thinking award has to go to Sally Kirkland for her metal alloy dress with adjustable hemline.

She used a push-button device to move the ruffles around her body. Floor-length was her only hope. It’s best to save dresses that do tricks for Halloween.

But if you want to talk price, Laura Harring wins. She wore diamond-encrusted sandals by Stuart Weitzman, and a $27 million diamond necklace, with her Armani gown.

Weitzman gave her $90,000 to give to her favorite charity, a children’s hospital.

If that didn’t stop your heart, there was the dress worn by E! host Jules Asner. She wore a $5 million dress: nude-colored and diamond studded.

More of the glitterati should have dressed like Renee Zellweger, who wore a beautifully fitted strapless black dress with dramatic train. They wouldn’t have had to put up with bodyguards all evening.

There’s always next year. Since my invitation to the Academy Awards was lost in the mail this year, I’m hoping for next year.

And I want to get there early. The week leading up to the big night was described by Hollywood style expert Linda Arroz as being “like Mardi Gras and New Year’s Eve, with a much better spirit than last year.”

She worked and watched all the activity and told me in a phone interview that she and other behind-the-scenes workers were living on champagne and Chocowits.

“It’s like a chocolate fortune cookie, and it’s the best chocolate you’ve ever tasted,” she said. And I thought I had a great job.