It has been a little over a week since Sevin and I have been in our new apartment. It finally feels like home.
But, I am feeling somewhat guilty about separating my son from his father. I have only been concerned about how I would deal with being a single parent. But as I have reflected over this week’s events I am realizing the situation may traumatize my son.
Sevin wakes up at my house and then he is with his father after he gets out of school. I pick him up at around 8 p.m. He comes back home eats, plays and goes to sleep.
I know that must get stressful for his little body. I am warped just thinking about it. I don’t ever want Sevin to feel responsible for the separation between his father and me.
His father and I have a cordial relationship with each other, and I want to keep it that way. I am deathly afraid of becoming the stereotypical “black-baby-mama.”
I don’t want to fight. I just want the best parental situation for Sevin.
It seems as if Sevin matures every day. He continuously amazes me. Yesterday, I was driving him to school and he kept saying “Mama, ma, ma, ma.” I couldn’t help but laugh at him. It sounded like he was doing it on purpose; he was trying me.
I notice these milestones he meets every day and I smile. I smile, but internally, I’m hurt.
I know it won’t be long before he understands that his father and I live in different places and that we are not a whole family. Some women who are unhappy in their relationships stay; they feel like it is best for the child. I used to be one of them. I didn’t want to raise another “troubled black man.” I didn’t want to separate my family.
A woman with children must make sacrifices. Although I couldn’t agree with that more, I have to ask: Where in history is it written that a mother must sacrifice her happiness and mental health for the sake of family?
I couldn’t be a good mother if I wasn’t happy. If am drowning in sorrow it will show, and eventually begin to rub off on my son.
And I can’t allow that.
Editor’s note: Chakiara Tucker’s column about single motherhood and the college life runs bi-weekly.