Last week, the first eight contestants stepped forward to prove that they had what it takes to be the next American Idol.
Kimberly Caldwell sings Melissa Etheridge’s “Come To My Window.” This is a wonderful rock song, but it’s horrible if you’re trying to show how well you sing, or how long your range is. The judges love her, however.
Patrick Fortston belts out “Unbreak My Heart.” I’m praying that Patrick unsings this song. I’d also like him to unwear that suit, ungel his hair and unbleed my ears. Patrick sounds exactly like Toni Braxton, and it’s slightly unsettling.
J. D. Adams sings Stevie Wonder’s “All In Love Is Fair” and I scream at my television screen and weep senselessly. Say it with me, people: leave Stevie Wonder alone. After hearing this two-minute rendition, I wonder if Stevie sometimes wishes he were deaf and not blind.
Trenyce (formerly LaShundra Cobbins) growls her way through Bonnie Raitt’s “Love Sneaking Up On You.” It’s an ambitious performance, I admit. If she could just get that rattle out of her throat, the girl could be a darned fine singer.
On the other hand, it’s painfully clear that Meosha Denton made it in on looks alone. She has a tendency to add an extra syllable to her words on occasion, as in: “M-how do I, m-get through a night without you…” And these are just the words that I can hear. It’s maddening, to say the least.
Bettis Richardson sings Boyz II Men’s “Thank You.” I use “sing” in a very, very loose manner. He also dances around like Michael Jackson. Again, “dance” is subjective here. Simon Cowell sums Bettis’ performance up quite nicely: “I think you blew it.” Amen, brother.
Charles Grisgby describes himself as “neo soul with hip-hop flavor,” meaning that he sucks. I was also deeply disturbed by his matching hat-and-sweater set, a fashion statement that no one over eighteen months should ever wear. He warbles “Overjoyed,” and I throw my remote at the TV screen. Not only is Charles off-key, he’s off-rhythm. The piano player is going through hell trying to keep up with him.
Finally, we get to the last contestant, Julia DeMato. She’s boring as all-get out and her song choice is horrible (“The Son Of A Preacher Man”), but she hits all the notes, so she gets my vote.
Overall, the show is terribly dull with mediocre talent. Oh, yeah – Charles and Julia advance, as if I care.
This week: eight more young people throw themselves at the mercy of America for their love and adoration – and more importantly, my schadenfreudesque entertainment.
J. Danielle Daniels can be reached at http://rattlerbrat.conforums.com