Rattler men, Rattler men. Either you guys are the bravest, most beautiful black men on the face of the planet, or you’re the source of endless comic stupidity that will fuel my columns for the next 10 years.
I confess that I’ve been out of the dating loop for a long time. I got my heart broken when I was 16, and swore I wouldn’t get involved again until I was about 21.
Seeing that my birthday is in January, I’ve decided that I should look up from my computer screen long enough to interact with a member of the opposite sex.
My, how dating rituals in the 21st century have changed….
For starters, when did telling men that you’re a lesbian become a turn-on?
Back in high school, when I grabbed the hand of a female friend to spurn a man, guys ran for the hills. Now, they look at you like you just agreed to star in their rendition of “Three the Hard Way.”
Unfortunately, now we also have the Internet to secure a mate. Being a columnist, my e-mail is public domain. I think when guys send me naked pictures all the time, it’s supposed to arouse me.
But it’s hard to be impressed by a man’s nine-inch penis when his knees are ashy and he’s sitting on his little brother’s bed.
I know, I know. I’m being too hard on a brotha. My standards are way too high. I should just be thankful he doesn’t have pubic lice.
Still, I feel as if I’ve walked through a time warp. I’ve stayed away from guys too long and in my hiatus, men have gotten bolder, or dumber, or something.
This is the reason no one should ever, ever abstain from dating for prolonged periods of time.
I’m telling you Rattler women now. You’ll be as out of it as that guy at the club doing the Cha-Cha Slide.
Don’t get too bitter at that guy who broke your heart in the 6th grade. He’ll regret it when you become a lawyer/actress/veterinarian/ka-jillionaire Senator. In the meantime, chalk it up as a loss and move on.
I suppose I should take my own advice. I can do this dating thing, I guess. I can’t stay married to Diablo forever, even if it is the expansion pack. I just have to keep an open mind and remember that this is the new era of the bold black man.
Come to think of it, I received a gift from a young man recently. This guy I’ve only talked to for about a week decided to give me a homemade movie of some girl masturbating with a sex toy.
I think he likes me.
J. Danielle Daniels, 20, is a junior political science student from Dallas. She is the Famuan’s deputy opinions editor. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.