Hey, Rattlers! You want to read something funny?I’ve written columns over the past year about homosexuality, abortion, the war in Afghanistan, public prayer and rape without a blink of an eye. But I write a column about the Academy Awards, and suddenly, there’s a problem in the land of Orange and Green. People are telling me that I am jealous of Halle Berry because she’s light-skinned, because she’s pretty, because she’s talented and blah blah blah. The funniest response by far came from a religious zealot who told me I was going to Hell for bashing our golden girl. For the record, I have no doubt that if I died tonight, I’d be in Hell. But it’s for far, far worse than not liking a role in a movie. Trust me on this one. A lot of women sent me responses addressing me as “Sister,” “Sista,” or “Sistuh,” encouraging me to be proud for a sista. Can you believe this, Rattlers? After twenty years of living, I found out that I have sisters! My papa may or may not have been a rolling stone, but I could’ve sworn I was an only child. It has come to my attention that I have broken the rule in the black people’s Bible: “Thou shalt not speak negatively of anyone of the dark-skinned persuasion.” It’s in the back somewhere, right behind “Thou shalt worship any god/goddess that white America shoves at thee.” Well, damn. Thank God I’m a Catholic. Sure, we’re having a little touchy-feely problem amongst the priests, but at least our thinking is more logical as a whole. But I’m digressing. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have come down on the Academy for Denzel and Halle’s wins. After all, they are black. And because of that, I am supposed to be doing back flips on the Set, screaming something about history. I should back black. Never mind the fact that vast majority of the people e-mailing me – or writing professional columns for that matter – freely admit that they never saw “Monster’s Ball” or “Training Day.” You don’t need an educated opinion when the subject of said opinion is black. When you back black, you back it blindly. Recently, Tavis Smiley called upon the black race to hold our people responsible for their actions. Don’t listen to that cat. That’s why he lost his show on BET to begin with. How dare a brother think outside the box! Continue to feed into the myth that blacks think and act as a herd. Back black! I know I will from now on. Independent thinking is way too stressful. Besides, it’s taking up space in my mailbox from various students and alumni, who apparently never touched a copy of The Famuan until the day after the Oscars. If they had, they’d know that I’ve written far more controversial columns than the main one they’re so concerned about. Who says that black people’s priorities are out of order? Don’t worry about me, Rattlers. You’ll never hear another negative word from my lips about blacks again. Leave R. Kelly alone. Put Mike Tyson back in the ring. And damn it, givethe whole cast of “Kingdom Come’ and “3 Strikes” their Oscars! One day, my husband – some guy who stole my heart by being the first black man who got away on “Cops” – and I will tell our children Ward, Clarence, and Condoleezza all about the famous black Americans I named them after. Did they do anything for the community? No. But they’re black. And according to some of your e-mails, Rattlers, black is all it takes.
J. Danielle Daniels, 20, is a sophomore political science student from Dallas. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. She serves as Deputy Opinions Editor.