For the longest time, I’ve had a dream of becoming the heavyweight champion of the world. A great white hope, I shadow box by night and practice journalism by day. Time has passed, and my dream has slowly slipped away.
Now, my hopes are high once more. Over the break, the Washington, D.C. Boxing and Wrestling Commission voted unanimously to grant Mike Tyson a boxing license. Tyson submitted an application, interviewed with commission officials and received the backing of some 60 members of the public who testified on Tyson’s behalf.
Part of me thinks this decision is as prudent as renting a Ryder truck to Timothy McVeigh. Supposedly, Tyson passed medical and psychological tests to receive his license. C’mon now. When’s the last time Mike Tyson passed a psychological test? The commission did come clean, acknowledging a Tyson-Lewis fight would provide a boost to D.C.’s economy.
It got me thinking. Hey, how can I help the nation’s capital and pursue my dream? Wouldn’t it be great to launch my frustrated, forever- delayed pro boxing career on the undercard of the Tyson-Lewis fight?
To make this a reality, I am preparing a brief cover letter, modeled after Tyson’s, to go with my Washington, D.C. boxing license application:
I’m a very dangerous fighter. I’m a white heavyweight. I’m an uncle. I’m not a good husband. I’m not married.
I’m 30 years-old and undefeated. When fighter jets see me coming, they hold in the sonic boom out of respect.
I’m a bad man. I’m 180… no, strike that… 230 pounds of pure terror. I’m so bad, a great white shark tried to bite me in the ocean. I hit him with a right hand, and now he only eats tuna.
I’ve made some mistakes in the past. O.K., so they weren’t exactly Mike Tyson mistakes, but shouldn’t you give me a chance anyway?
Physically, well… I’m getting in shape as we speak. Yes, I went on a bit of a St. Patrick’s drinking binge, but my head’s clear now. No more alcohol, drugs, junk food. I am a lion. Roar.
Mentally, I am… let me choose my words carefully here. I am mentally fitter than Mike Tyson.
Since the Commission apparently dispenses licenses like credit cards, it should be no imposition to hook me up. I will send money to cover lamination expenses. Thanks for your consideration.
That should do. Now I just need a promoter. Anyone have Don King’s number?