I’ve decided that I’m only having sex with rich men from here on out. I’ve determined that it could be far more profitable getting pregnant by some moneybags businessman as opposed to a broke Rattler waiting on the Set for his net check.
I’m going to take lessons from women like Lisa Kerkorian, the ex-tennis player who’s suing her billionaire ex-husband for $320,000 a month in child support. Mrs. Kerkorian was even kind enough to break down the monthly expenses: Kira needs $158,000 for traveling, parties and play dates; $7,000 for charity (that Kira’s a generous toddler); $10,200 for food and restaurants; $2,500 for movies, theaters and other ‘outings;’ $1,400 for laundry and cleaning; $1,000 for toys, videos and books; and $436 for Kira’s pet bunny.
Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs’ child’s mother Kim Porter reached a settlement that totaled $4.5 million. Mr. Combs’ agreed to pay the mother of his youngest son, Christian, a $150,000 lump sum, plus another $20,000 a month until Christian turns 21. He also took out a two million dollar life insurance policy payable to Christian. Altogether, this is twice the money as Puffy originally offered.
And to think that I turned Puffy down that night.
These two ladies need to join forces and open up a school: “Make Your Uterus Work For You.” There could be classes like “Convincing Him You’re On The Pill,” “Withdrawal: Tell Him It’ll Feel Better Without A Condom!” and “Rich Men Need Love Too: How To Get It On The First Night.”
What’s the use of battling the people at registration, waiting in line at financial aid, and slaving for four years for a degree when I could use a third-rate condom, send the little brat to boarding school and ride the gravy train until he’s 21? Forget political science – I’m only majoring in golddigging from here on out.
Okay, okay. Obviously I’m only kidding. Let’s keep the derogatory e-mails to a minimum this week, Rattlers.
But if anyone knows the address of the Miami Dolphins’ field house, give me a call.
J. Danielle Daniels, 20, is a sophomore political science student from Dallas. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. She serves as the Deputy Opinions Editor.